(ICLW stuff is in the previous post, or here. Welcome!)
This is take three of this blog post.
I got back a couple of hours ago from a stressful afternoon at my parents’ house, and apparently am unable to be very eloquent about it. (Everyone is fine, just chaotic and stressed, and there’s some extended family stuff, and plenty of babylust triggers for me.) I trashed a couple of posts that I just stopped writing after a few paragraphs due to hating every word I wrote.
What I was trying to say is something about being a mom…right now there are few things that feel farther away, and few things that I want more.
At the same time, I greatly appreciate the freedom I have to just be a mess, to take this time to let myself heal from the awful divorce and even more awful marriage. I appreciate the privilege of being able to focus on myself and no one else, to not have to take care of someone else when I don’t have the emotional energy to do so, and to work on healing my stuff that got me into that marriage to begin with. If I had a child now, well, that wouldn’t happen, or it would happen very poorly, and the result would be not the kind of parenting I hope to be able to do someday.
But that someday feels awfully far away sometimes.