dream deferred

(ICLW stuff is in the previous post, or here.  Welcome!)

This is take three of this blog post.

I got back a couple of hours ago from a stressful afternoon at my parents’ house, and apparently am unable to be very eloquent about it.  (Everyone is fine, just chaotic and stressed, and there’s some extended family stuff, and plenty of babylust triggers for me.)  I trashed a couple of posts that I just stopped writing after a few paragraphs due to hating every word I wrote.

What I was trying to say is something about being a mom…right now there are few things that feel farther away, and few things that I want more.

At the same time, I greatly appreciate the freedom I have to just be a mess, to take this time to let myself heal from the awful divorce and even more awful marriage.  I appreciate the privilege of being able to focus on myself and no one else, to not have to take care of someone else when I don’t have the emotional energy to do so, and  to work on healing my stuff that got me into that marriage to begin with.  If I had a child now, well, that wouldn’t happen, or it would happen very poorly, and the result would be not the kind of parenting I hope to be able to do someday.

But that someday feels awfully far away sometimes.

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11 responses to “dream deferred

  1. Oh honey…lots of love and {{{hugs}}} coming your way.

  2. I hear you. It often feels very far away if not impossible to me as well. Hugs to you.

  3. Hugs to you! Here’s to healing and peace in your very near future!!
    ICLW

  4. Well, first I hope the family drama settles down. Second, because you did not have kids, it has given you a good chance on repairing yourself. I hope that the future holds love, and children and lots of beautiful moments to indulge in the babylust!

  5. oh sweetie …

    take good care of yourself.
    i mean, really, take the time to nuture and love YOU, because you deserve it.
    make yourself be the most important person right now … learn to heal old wounds, and how to protect yourself from new ones. there is only one you; treasure yourself because you are a gem!

  6. Sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through right now. I loved your list of things you are great at. Hang on to that. Just take one thing at a time.

    iclw

    http://findjoynow.blogspot.com

  7. I’m sorry about the family stress. Ick!

    Your attitude about using this time to heal is inspiring.

    I’m sending you hugs!!!

  8. You have a really great perspective on waiting to be ready for a baby. It’s ok to be a mess, how could anyone not be? Thanks for writing this – your words have really helped me.

    (((hugs)))

  9. Sending you a big, fat, sloppy hug.

  10. You sound like you could really use a break.

    ICLW #84 & 85

  11. studentrntiffany

    When I was going through my horrible divorce (and marriage) someone once told me that life was like a rollercoaster, no one would want to ride it if it was all flat and boring.

    I dont know how much that helps you, but there is life after. I promise. It may not be today, or tomorrow. But Life returns.

    Sending you positive thoughts.

    Love,
    Tiff

    Happy ICLW

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