Monthly Archives: June 2010

all is well

I have been a bit light in the posting the last few days.  I’ve actually started two or three posts that I haven’t been able to finish.  They’re hanging out in the drafts queue right now.

Unlike other times when I haven’t been posting, or have been unable to finish a post, I am doing really well right now.  There’s been this stuff with my sister, but I’ve been learning a lot from it, and have been making some important realizations about myself and why I do some of the things I do.

In general, I have felt a shift in my thinking and have felt much more at peace and much more in touch with my true self.  (I know that probably sounds a bit “woo-woo,” but if I could say it any better, I wouldn’t have so many drafts in the queue! :))

It really feels like this is a really important time of learning for me, but it seems that I’m a bit better at taking in information than putting it out.

So, no worries.  I’m sure I’ll be back to navel-gazing in the written form soon enough.

ETA:  I just noticed this is my 300th post!  Woo-hoo!

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famous friday: finally!

(ICLW post is down yonder. Or see the “About Me” tab.  Welcome!)

Yes, Miss Famous has decided to grace us with her presence again and participate anew in the long and venerated internet tradition of Friday Dog Blogging.

I have been trying for a while to catch her in the act of excitement.  I’ve wanted to get her on video jumping around, so you could see just a little slice of her exuberance.  The problem has been that I’ll notice that she’s jumping/running around (usually after a walk), I’ll think, “Oh!  I want to record this!”  I then find the camera, get it ready, and try to make a video…of course by that time, she’s calmed back down and so I end up with something like this:

or this:

This week, however, I did it! This is Miss Famous doing her routine where she jumps from one couch to another, back and forth and back and forth.  Enjoy!

wondering

(ICLW intro is down below—welcome to my rambling place.)

Something interesting about last week (other than Mr. X getting married and my sister’s worsening mental health, that is)—pregnancies.  No, not me, as if you even had to ask.

  • Sunday I saw my younger sister (not the one with worsening mental health), and she announced to me and my parents that she is now 5 weeks pregnant with her fourth.  She told us that she was waiting to tell her daughters (ages 6, 4, and 1½), but apparently “waiting” meant “I’m telling them tonight,” because everyone knew by that evening.
  • Monday, I learned that my oldest friend (and one of my dearest) had a miscarriage.  She has two living children, no other miscarriages.  She was 12 weeks.
  • Tuesday, I learned on F-book that an acquaintance from grad school is pregnant with her third.  Her first was conceived via IVF, second was a shock to them and their doctors (and conceived while they were working toward an adoption), third was another shock to them, and conceived while they were parenting their two biological children and three foster-possibly -to-adopt kids.

I’ve been trying to write about this for a week, and have just come to the conclusion that I don’t have any great conclusions.

I just wonder…I wonder how my feelings about each of these situations would be different had I never experienced infertility.

Would I still feel like a failure when considering my sister’s fourth pregnancy in the face of my…nothing?  Would I be so judgmental about her telling her young children about her pregnancy so early?

Had I not spent so much time in the ALI blogosphere would I have said something really stupid to my friend when I found out about her miscarriage?

What meanings would I attach to my acquaintance’s pregnancy?  (Likely something along the lines of “see—just adopt and you’ll get pregnant!”)  I never went through IVF, we just got to the planning stages of that one, but I’m probably more familiar with it than the average person—what would I have thought about IVF had things gone differently for me?

I don’t have many any answers tonight…I’m just wondering.

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P.S. If you can, stop by and give Jo some love.  For her, I’m just feeling incredibly sad.

aieee! happy ICLW!

True story:  I totally forgot about ICLW until I checked the blog this morning and had two ICLW comments in my box.  Oops.

So, um, here’s my deal:  Divorce finalized in December, thus officially ending my verbally/emotionally abusive marriage.  Mr. X got remarried last week, and I’m feeling more and more free as time goes by.  While married, I experienced the “joy” that is infertility, which is how I got hooked into the ALI community.

My faithful companion is Miss Famous (that’s her “stage name”).   Her hobbies include sleeping:

And, well, holding down the floor (that’s her with her summer haircut).

(I’ll try to get a post out soon that I spend longer than five minutes writing.) 🙂

quickly

Regarding Mr. X’s wedding:  yesterday wasn’t really all that dramatic for me.  The day before?  Yeah, kind of.  But yesterday I mostly felt free.

My current angst is centered around my sister and her current manic episode.  Things now appear to be past the point of no return, which means that something dramatic will likely have to happen before she gets well.  (Hell, it’s all dramatic lately.)  I will write more about that when I feel like I can do more than just blubber incoherently about the situation.

I was working on another post about something unrelated, but I’m hating everything I’m writing right  now, so I’ll have to come back to that at another point.

In general I’m good.  I’m learning about and being reminded of things about me and my family that had lain dormant for a while (at least dormant to my consciousness).  More later.

to the new mrs. x on her wedding day

He’s your problem now, honey.

Good luck.

perfect moment monday

Last Tuesday night was the last session of my “When Your Relationship Ends” class (which I’ve referred to as “divorce recovery,” but is not totally accurate as several people in the class were never married to their partners).

I enrolled in the class at the suggestion of my therapist, after I cried about my divorce through the first few sessions with her and couldn’t really talk about much else.  Ahem.  Anyway, I was totally opposed to the idea at first, and then came around to thinking that it would probably be “good for me,” though not something I would necessarily enjoy.  Well, that would probably describe the first couple of weeks, but definitely by week four I was looking forward to seeing the people in the class and to our discussions.  It was a place where we could be real together.

The last night, we did a bit of looking back and a bit of looking forward.  It was a wonderful time to take stock of how much the ten weeks brought to us.

Before our break for dinner (potluck), we were each given two small slips of paper, one white and one gray.  We were told to write what we want to let go of on the gray paper and what we want to hold on to on the white paper.  After everyone had a chance to write, we took turns standing up, reading the gray paper, lighting it on fire with a lit candle (and dropping it into a bowl), reading the white paper, and then returning to our seats to thunderous applause.

Standing up in a room of people who I met just 2½ months ago, letting go of some things best left to the past and seeing them burn to ashes, embracing others that I want to carry with me and hold close, and hearing the applause of my foxhole-mates—pretty darn perfect.

Read some more perfect moments over at Lavender Luz’s.