So Mr. X is getting married in about a week and a half.
Obviously, I have some complicated feelings about this.
The ones that rise to the surface the most, however, have something to do with feeling bad because it appears that he has advanced so much more than I have in the “recovery” process. Of course, I know this isn’t likely the case because a) I know him, and it is highly unlikely that he has actually dealt with any of his feelings about the end of our marriage, b) as he was almost immediately in this new relationship after we separated, even if he were the type of person to be self-reflective and want to truly heal, being in a rebound relationship would make that hard.
Of course, all of that is speculation on my part. My good friend Cherry has said to me (more than once and about different situations, I might add), that I shouldn’t judge my insides by someone else’s outsides.
Sounds simple enough, but it is so hard for me to remember. The problem is, I know all of my inner foibles. Intimately. They are as obvious to me (or perhaps more obvious) than the face I show outwardly. Meanwhile, I’m holding them up to compare to others’ public selves—the private me vs. the shined-up and polished public them. Is it any wonder I sometimes often find myself lacking? Wouldn’t anyone?
As I continue practicing my new self-love skills, I try to remember that playing that game is a set-up from the start. And I’m working on not judging my insides at all.