So Mr. X is getting married in about a week and a half.

Obviously, I have some complicated feelings about this.

The ones that rise to the surface the most, however, have something to do with feeling bad because it appears that he has advanced so much more than I have in the “recovery” process.  Of course, I know this isn’t likely the case because a) I know him, and it is highly unlikely that he has actually dealt with any of his feelings about the end of our marriage, b) as he was almost immediately in this new relationship after we separated, even if he were the type of person to be self-reflective and want to truly heal, being in a rebound relationship would make that hard.

Of course, all of that is speculation on my part.  My good friend Cherry has said to me (more than once and about different situations, I might add), that I shouldn’t judge my insides by someone else’s outsides.

Sounds simple enough, but it is so hard for me to remember.  The problem is, I know all of my inner foibles.  Intimately.  They are as obvious to me (or perhaps more obvious) than the face I show outwardly.  Meanwhile, I’m holding them up to compare to others’ public selves—the private me vs. the shined-up and polished public them.  Is it any wonder I sometimes often find myself lacking?  Wouldn’t anyone?

As I continue practicing my new self-love skills, I try to remember that playing that game is a set-up from the start.  And I’m working on not judging my insides at all.


10 responses to “inside/outside

  1. Wow! All sorts of good stuff in this post!

    The bottom line of not judging one’s self at all is so important but this is a hard habit to break so until I do I’ll remember that I’m comparing my messy insides to someone else’s prepared exterior.

    eww, a remarrying ex 😦 How could that not be emotionally challenging.


  2. I think that all of your healthy emotional responses are really good and hopefully effective against your initial unhealthy emotional statements.

    It’s totally reasonable to have concerns about yourself with Mr. X remarrying. I think the thing is though, and it’s something that you know, is that Mr. X is an unhealthy person who doesn’t even realize how unhealthy he is. He’s just going to repeat his behavior with another partner. This is sad. I do, however, thank G-D that you are no longer in this situation.

  3. You wouldn’t be normal if you weren’t reacting to Mr. X remarrying. Everything Jendeis said is oh so true.

  4. And there’s this: wherever he goes (whomever he marries, whatever he does) — there he is. He cannot escape himself and his issues.

    My sympathy goes to HER!

    I think you have beautiful insides 🙂

  5. So true that we really shouldn’t be judging our insides although it’s so hard not to.
    I can totally understand the mixed feelings of Mr X getting remarried and you’re right, he hasn’t dealt with his issues. He likely hasn’t even admitted he has issues and likely never will. Which basically means that he will likely keep doing the same things over and over again.

  6. I totally second Battynurse. He’s probably like an ostrich with his head in the sand, thinking: “Man, am I glad I don’t have issues”. It’s obvious he can’t be alone and is clearly lacking the balls to think about his insides. I am sure you are well more “advanced” than him.

    Enjoy that self-love-thing. 🙂

  7. rosesdaughter

    ((Big Hug))
    And self love is good

  8. You have no control over how Mr. X deals with the divorce…maybe he thinks he can cope only if he moves on fast enough.

    Give yourself space…a house constructed in haste may lack strength in its foundation.

    Take care!

  9. It’s always hard when someone else moves on. Doesn’t matter why or how. I’m sorry.

  10. Comparing yourself to others inevitably leads to discontent; you make an important point. Of course, we do it all the time. Yet you’ve been on that side of the grass, you’ve seen his insides and they definitely don’t match his outside. The fact that you had to choose to save your own sanity over your marriage is the real truth that cannot be ignored.

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