the voices in my head

So, I tried to go to work on Tuesday.  That didn’t really work out.  I think I left after an hour an a half, exhausted.  Like, exhausted to the point I could barely think straight.  That evening my amazing friends, who just got back from a couple of years abroad, came over.  It was very chill, just sitting on the couch for an hour or two, chatting.  Apparently, however, that put me over the edge on the tiredness scale.  I woke up Wednesday morning and felt just awful.

The thing is, I generally don’t really feel bad, just tired.  And, usually when I’m tired, I can convince myself to power on through.  Not this time, though.

I’ve been fighting a lot with my mind, or with the voices in my mind, rather.  They tell me I should be up, doing something.  They tell me I’m going to get in trouble if I don’t get back to work.  They tell me I’m weak, that I’m a wuss, that I need to just suck it up and stop sitting around the house like a lazy bum.

They’re lying, but it’s not always easy to see that.

For someone who struggles with self-care even in the good times, this has been a challenge for me.  What I need to do is just chill out, let my body continue to heal, and not stress.  This does not come naturally to me.

And really, there’s not much to worry about, work-wise.  Nothing is burning, as my crazy supervisor says (who, btw, has her faults, but is 100% supportive of time off when we’re ill).  July is typically the slowest month anyway, and many people in the agency have the whole month off (not me, unfortunately, though I can’t really complain about the amount of time off I get).  I had about 7 sick days going into this thing, plus 2 weeks of vacation time I have to take by the middle of August, so…I’m just taking part of it earlier than I expected.

It all sounds very rational, doesn’t it?  Sounds a lot better than telling myself I’m a lazy, weak wuss, huh?  The thing is, when I feel bad, or tired, it can be hard to tell the difference between the crazy voices, and the truth.  The truth is, I’m not in trouble, if anything crazy happens with my clients, my co-workers or supervisor can help with it, as they already have.  The best thing I can do for myself is to take care of myself and rest right now, which is what I would tell anybody else.  The problem is believing that, remembering that.

And today I felt like blogging and had the energy to actually do it, which is an improvement, huh?  Now on to the task of not guilting myself out over blogging but not working.  Sigh.  It’s an endless merry-go-round, this crazy brain of mine.


9 responses to “the voices in my head

  1. Oh, big hugs! I am so glad you posted. I’ve been worried and wondering how you were recovering. The only advice I have is the same thing you always tell me — take care of YOU and everything else will fall into place.


  2. My friend, be kind to yourself. Blogging requires comparatively little energy and, in your field, going to work requires a ton of energy. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and love.

  3. aww sweetie! Take it easy! Take care of YOU!!!!

  4. Sending love and strength to you. Remember, the voices aren’t you, they are your depression. One task at a time is good. Sometimes one task a day is good. Just focus on the one task. The rest of whirlwind can take care of itself for a little bit.

  5. I hate those voices, too. “Stinkin” thinkin’ ‘” someone one said. In Buddhism, they call it slander (against yourself). Too hard on ourselves. Rest, heal, rinse, repeat.

  6. Rest, relax, recover, and dammitall, heal! You’ve just had a major (although useless) organ removed! Under general anesthesia! Emergently! Please don’t worry about us, work, or any other people that subject you to their assholery because they’re self-absorbed. I’m glad you’re recovering well, sweet pea, and I expect a full regaling of the details when you return!

  7. They are cruel and relentless, aren’t they, the ‘voices’? And they are persuasive too–no matter how rational is the reason for the course you’re choosing, they’ll undermine it by calling it rationalizing.

    Who are these voices? I suppose they’re trying to keep you safe, in a misguided way. They’re trying to keep you from being whoever you fear that staying home from work is evidence of. So, they mean well, and fear makes them shrill. The thing is, you know who you are, and it’s not the thing these voices are afraid of. (Suddenly I have the image of Jesus walking on the water, and saying, “Peace, be still”, to the storm.)

  8. Ok so I’m reading in reverse.
    You are right that there is no truth from those voices and that it’s ok for you to take the time off you need to heal. I have a tendency for pushing myself to be the perfect employee. After my GB surgery I had originally thought I would be able to go back after a week (since I have a desk job). I ended up taking 4 weeks and really needing a 5th. Be good to your self and do what you need to do for healing. Hugs to you.

  9. Would say, ‘Relax’! If you don’t feel well, you won’t function well! That’s the story, Morning Glory! 🙂

    And yep, tired or not, I have been guilty of choosing Farmville/Blogging over Work.

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