I’ve been thinking about taking care of myself, about seeing the small child that is still inside me. I end up in a tizzy when thinking about how I want to take care of myself better, and trying not to beat myself up because I don’t. Things like eating regular meals so that I don’t get headaches seem so hard to do so much of the time. It would be much easier to take on the role of tyrant to myself, but I can’t return to that, not anymore. So I try to remember to take things slowly, slowly, slowly and I try to remember how far I have already come.
“One reason you may not want the job of caretaker [for yourself] is that you are still angry about never having been appropriately cared for by others. You still wish that someone else would notice your suffering and make up for the deficit. Even though you know that your wish will never come true–that what’s past is past–you continue to hold onto the fantasy. Taking good care of yourself implies an acceptance of the painful reality of your past deprivation.”