new post

Believe it or not, I have tried to blog.

This is probably the fourth or fifth time that I’ve opened up a “new post,” hopes flying high that my writer’s block “blogging break” could be declared officially over.

I have things to say…I think.  Getting them onto the screen feels something like pulling my heart out through my skin—pulling teeth would be much easier.

I’m not completely sure what it’s all about.  I do know that I’ve been hiding in the cave again.  I’m feeling pretty happy, but I’m hiding.  Staying safe.

Safe from what exactly, I’m not sure.  People, I guess.  People are somewhat scary to me these days.  Not the perfunctory interactions of work and small talk and family gatherings (I try not to get too deep with my family).  Opening up feels scary.  I realized not long ago that my heart is no longer as open as it once was.

And yes, I want more in my life.

And yes, sometimes I’m lonely.

But I don’t think I’ve quite reached the point where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.

So I’m hunkered down in my solitary cave, safe, warm, cuddling the dog, and pondering when and how I’ll make my way out.

But I’m healthy, I’m content (hence the not changing thing), and I am confident that I will figure things out.  Someday.

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6 responses to “new post

  1. I can relate to so much of this. I’ve noticed myself sort of hiding a bit lately too. I have friends that I spend time with but other than those few, I don’t get “out” much. I’ve been doing a LOT of reading which is also sort of a sign to me that there are things bouncing around my head that I would rather ignore.

  2. St. Elsewhere

    Oh you will figure it out. Important is, you are safe, and healthy and content.

    Things are bound to get even better. That is my hope for you.

  3. Being content and healthy is the absolute best reason to slack off on a blog 🙂

    It’s always good to hear from you. Your heart knows what it’s doing. You’ll open at just the right time, at just the right rate. All is well.

  4. I’m glad you are feeling safe & content. The other stuff will come, eventually. (((hugs)))

  5. Sometimes when you know that “you are enough”, that’s just a fine place to “just be”.

  6. Well, now that you are safe and content, it’s very understandable that you just want to hunker down in peace and quiet for a while. You went through something really hard, really heart-wrenching. If anyone deserves and nice quiet hunker in a nice quiet cave with the dog, it’s you, and your heart.

    (It’s nice for us, too, to know you’re fine, so I’m glad you posted – hi again! )

    Wishing you many, many good things, and new friends, and special people who deserve your opening heart. As and when you’re ready for them.

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