I heard this piece yesterday on NPR and the following lines hit me in a very deep way:
“Living in hope is a really terrible thing. People speak about hope most of the time as a very positive thing, and I understand why…But if you stop and think about the state of living in hope, it’s a very dispossessing thing, it’s a very difficult thing to live with. When you’ve been living in hope for a long time as I have, suddenly you realize that certainty is far more desirable than hope.”
Of course, I thought about my people in the ALI community. And I thought about myself back when the ex and I were actively trying for a baby, back when that felt so possible I could think of little else, when my arms felt so empty, partly because it felt possible, yet just out of reach.
Hope gives us reason to get up in the morning, but it is also that Terrible Gray, that not-black-not-white space that won’t allow you to let go of the dream. You’re left in the hospital waiting room indefinitely, never knowing, just hoping.