Category Archives: angry

on the eve of the new year

Today things are so much different than they were a year ago, and so many things are the same as they have ever been.

The last few days I have been having some, um, feelings.  Sisterly drama continues, but she has not been the source of said feelings.  Her, I can understand.  I am concerned, I am worried, but I have learned to temper my expectations.  Bipolar is something I can wrap my head around, even if I hate it.  I want things to be different for her, but I can accept that they are not.

For some reason, I have a much harder time finding that level of acceptance for my parents.  I keep expecting them to respond differently than they always have.

Over the last few days I’ve been unbelievably sleepy and haven’t been able to understand it.  I couldn’t seem to get enough sleep.  All I could think about was napping.

Last night I felt the anger flow through me.  I didn’t push it down.  I didn’t try to talk myself out of it.  I didn’t call it wrong and I didn’t turn it against myself.

And today I’m awake.

Today my mind is clear and I feel ready to take on the High Holidays (more on that later).

some realizations

♦  I don’t really have to DO anything with all of this anger that is bubbling up to the surface.  This may be somewhat of a “duh” point for many of you, but it’s kind of a new one for me.  Maybe because anger is such an intense emotion and filled with energy, maybe because it’s so uncomfortable for me (for a number of reasons centering around beliefs that I shouldn’t get angry), maybe because it’s in my nature to not leave loose ends and anger seems to leave so many flapping in the breeze.  But all I have to do is feel it.  Just feel it.  I don’t have to yell at anyone.  I don’t have to “vent.”  I don’t have to go find justice for myself.  All I have to do is feel it.  I have spent so much energy trying not to feel it, so much energy pushing it down and turning away and running from it that it feels really radical to just sit or stand or walk or breathe and have this anger pulsing through me and not think that I Have. To. Make. It. Stop. Now.  But I don’t.

♦  My food issues, my emotional eating is my primary way of avoiding my anger.  I cannot focus on food and feeling at the same time.  Or rather, not focus on food, which is more likely when using food to escape.  Anyway, the way I use food definitely has helped me to avoid the anger.  Sometimes it feels like I am eating the anger instead of the food.  Or eating the anger instead of feeling it.

♦  I associate feeling angry with feeling impotent, feeling powerless, feeling weak.  No wonder I want to avoid feeling angry.

♦  I was never taught to defend myself.  This is kind of an important lesson.  I don’t mean, take the kid in the backyard and give her boxing lessons.  Nobody ever said (or showed me) that you could say, “I don’t want you to talk to me that way,” and walk away, or sit there, or whatever.  Nobody ever said, “You can stand up for yourself.”  Ever.  I was never taught how to stand up for myself.  The part that kind of messed with my head though, is that I was taught to defend others, and stand up for others.  I just wasn’t taught that I could ever, I should ever do that for myself.  The lesson I was taught, indirectly, but very clearly, was that, when verbally assaulted, lie down and take it.  And I was a great student.  A+ for me.  So now I get to learn this lesson on my own.  But I am extremely motivated, and like I said, a great student.

more rollin’ with the angerball

Well, first of all, Wiseguy wins the internets for coining the phrase, the Ri.ddle Ripple Effect, or RRE for short.  I will have to use this in the future as much as possible.  If you missed it, all the gory details are in my last post.

So that post was all about anger and how I’m pretty incompetent at dealing with it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about it the last few days.  In the past, I’ve learned that sadness will not kill me if I allow myself to feel it.  Somehow, I want to learn this about anger, as well.  Lori said in her comment on my last post:

Anger is just an emotion, a guide, no more or less valid than other emotions.  If you allow it motion, rather than ignoring it, it will move through you and not have power over you. What if you allowed yourself to feel it, to examine it — for just a little bit?

What if, indeed?  The thing is, I am discovering that I am afraid of my anger, much in the same way that I used to be afraid of my grief.  Afraid it might take over, afraid of what I might do under its influence, afraid of how I might change…

But, the thing is, my life has already been turned upside down.  My life has already been turned inside out…I want to change, I need to change, there is still the old fear and “comfort” holding me back.  This “comfort” that is really not-comfort, because, as the last few days have reminded me, swallowing feelings that should be felt is not at all comfortable.

Which brings me to an interesting question…my friend Cherry asked me, all that time, when I was not conscious of feeling angry, where did the anger go?  The answer to this one, I know.  Into my body.  Chronic back and neck pain, stomach problems (including ulcers), chronic and frequent migraines, and of course, emotional eating.  I talked about that one on my old blog a lot more (can there be “a lot” if you only have a blog for three months?), but it is still relevant.  Emotional eating isn’t “bad behavior,” it is a signal that something is going on, it is my body’s way of trying to get my attention.

So that’s where the anger went.  And there’s a lot of it, if the number of migrai.ne pills I’ve taken and still take, and the pain pills for my muscle pain, the mouth guard for my teeth grinding, the teeth I have actually ground down (I’ve been known to grind in the daytime), the chiropractors’ bills, the anti-depressants, the food eaten in secret…I could go on…and on…

So I am working on it.  My goal is the next time I feel angry, to feel it, like I did with sadness.  Sadness didn’t kill me, and I doubt that anger will–unless I don’t learn to deal with it.

I have some other goals, like writing some letters that I will never send.  The funny thing is, it is a lot easier to focus on my anger on the people on the periphery, like this guy who de-friended me or some other people who I expected more of.  I have a hard time focusing on my anger at X, kind of like it’s hard to stare straight at the sun.  Cherry said to look at dealing with my anger at these other folks like practice.  So, I’ll practice, and eventually I’ll get to Mr. X.

I don’t think in the way Nina suggested, but you never know…

it all started with f.acebook

So I have felt somewhat AWOL the last few days.  It hasn’t been THAT long since my last post, but every day since then, I’ve been thinking somewhat incessantly about what I want to post about and then doing everything but posting.  So now I am finally getting to it.  The thing is, since Wednesday night, I have been lost in a fog of emotion.  Not grief, not worry–I know what to do with those feelings.  I don’t like them, but I know what to do when they come calling.  No, the feeling of the day, or should I say, days, is anger.

Oh, you say.  But nice girls don’t get angry.  Nice girls, good girls, just accept their circumstances with serenity.  Always.  From the word “go.”

Oh, YOU didn’t say that?  Huh…must have been that voice in my head again…

Well, now that you know about that voice in my head (thanks, Mom!), you may understand better why I’ve been in somewhat of a fog the last several days.  You see, with all of the emotion and angst surrounding the whole Mr. X debacle, I just haven’t felt very much anger at all.  Oh, I know (now) that it’s there.  But before the surface was scratched off thanks to that ubiquitous social-networking site last week, I really wasn’t aware of the ocean of anger that I was carrying around buried beneath my platitudes.

So, what happened, already?

Well, I was de-friended*.  High drama, huh?  The thing is, the person who defriended me?  Totally shocked me.  I didn’t expect it from him, AT ALL.  I have been de-friended by others, some who surprised and stung, some who didn’t.  And I cleared my friend box out of  a few (the Riddle family, mainly).  But this one?  He wasn’t just X’s friend, he was mine (emphasis on “was,” I suppose).  I had such a high amount of respect for him…then wham!

OK, all of that, not really the point.  The point is, that in thinking about this guy who was my friend (in a real-life way, not just a fa.cebook way) got me angry at him.  And then I got angry at X.

And whoa.

Because where does that ride end, you know?

So the work of the moment is figuring out what to do with all this anger.  Mostly what I’ve been doing is getting really busy and ignoring it as best I can, feeling physical symptoms, and getting snappy with my niece (nice, huh?).  That’s not really working, so I’m trying to figure out some other ways.  I will (hopefully) write a little more about this soon (I can tell you are waiting with bated breath!).

And last, but not least:  thank-you to everyone for the support regarding selling my house.  I will keep you updated.  Today was the open house, and the realtor should let me know if anyone was interested.  Also thank you if you put some energy/prayer into it and didn’t comment.  That counts, too. 🙂

*Apologies to those unfamiliar with fac.ebook.  Your “friends” are your “buddies” on FB–you can see their stuff and they can see yours (photos, updates, information ,etc.).  When he de-friended me, we had no more contact on FB.

merry-go-round

And we’re back.

I feel like I could just re-post something from a few days ago.

I was hoping I would be a little cheerier by now, you know, all puppies and kittens and shit.

This thing with mr. x seems to be cyclical–now he’s back to the contempt in his voice/accusatory statements/twisting my words around.  It’s fun times ’round here.

I thought about doing a fluff post anyway, but, then I thought, if I have to put on a happy face here, then I can put my real face nowhere.

Just hoping I’m not driving any last readers away with all of this optimism.

What happened today

Today I tried a little experiment.  Well, not an experiment exactly, but a  strategy for working on some of my food/eating issues.  I kept a food log today.  This is not meant to be a diet log to tally up how good or bad I’ve been, I was using it to try to bring my eating back into consciousness, to try to be aware of what my eating and my using food (which are two very different things).  This is not meant to be a judgment log, but just a strategy to not numb out to my life.

I have done this before, and I remembered having some success with it (in that I became a more conscious eater for a time).  What happened today, however, took me by surprise.

I felt an abundance of anxiety unlike anything I can remember.  I was so literally trembling with anxiety (not the perfect word, but the best one to think of to describe what I was feeling), that I could scarcely carry on a conversation.  I have never had an anxiety attack, and this was definitely not one, but I think I got a taste, just a taste of what that might be like.

I already knew that I had been using food to numb out, to not feel some pretty uncomfortable things that I knew were there, that I do feel on occasion, even with the food as a buffer.

But the degree of this feeling, and how quickly it came on shocked me.  No wonder I was eating so much, huh?

I called a dear friend (the only person in the world I can talk to about this).  I told her about today’s experience, and also about some journaling I did last night as an exercise (I’m going through the exercises in Geneen Roth’s Why Weight?).  So based on some things I told her, my friend Cherry said that she thought perhaps my compulsive eating was acting as the angry part of me, that it was the one place that I could express my anger.

Huh.

That sat and stewed for a while after our conversation, and I have concluded that she is right.

I am angry.

I am so angry about so many things.

A big part of the anger is about not having a baby or getting pregnant or being able to do either in the near future.

But I think that the majority of my anger comes from wedging myself into a little box, a tiny little space that makes other people much more comfortable.  From inside this box I smile and say, “When is your due date?” or “you have lovely children” or “I’d be happy to, here, let me just cut off my arm.”

Anything to make you more comfortable.  I don’t say what I really think.  I don’t tell you what an asshole you are for commenting about my lack of children.  I don’t hit you in the face for telling me I need to have a baby soon so that you can have another fucking baby shower to go to.

And little by little, bite by bite, smile by smile, I am obliterated.

Perhaps this eating is a way to say, “No!  I’m still here!  I’m big!  I take up space!  You can’t do this to me!  I matter!  If you keep jamming me into such small spaces, I will keep making you bigger and bigger and bigger!”

I am so afraid to feel this anger.

I am so afraid it will take me over.

I can deal with sadness.  I know what sadness does.  I know how sadness comes and goes and I know how to handle it.

But anger…anger is so much scarier.  Nice girls get sad.  Bitches get angry.  And I only know how to be a nice girl.

But I’d like to learn how to be a bitch.