Category Archives: blogging

dipping my toes back in the water

I thought about blogging today.

That is, I started forming a post in my mind, which is something that hasn’t happened for several months.

Now, of course, I don’t remember that practice-post, other than I think it was something about my upcoming 35th birthday, which is a big one for any woman who would like to have children.

So that post may come back later, but for now, I’m contemplating St. Elsewhere’s question, which she posted, um, elsewhere:

Are you happy to leave this year behind or more excited at the prospect of the oncoming year?

I am mostly happy at the prospect of the coming year.  2011 remains in a fog for me.  Not much happened, neither within nor without.  I am feeling happy and ready to move forward, to shake things up.

Maybe I’ll even blog about it.

sock it to me

I was so incredibly excited to receive my socks from the lovely Anna Marie.  She did an amazing job picking out not one, not two, but THREE pairs of socks for me!The instructions:

Here is the topic of your post: It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

18 months ago I was pretty fresh off the final divorce decree and was about to start my divorce recovery class.  I was scared to death to let anyone in; I just wanted to stay home and hide.  I’m glad I did start to let people in, but the truth is that I wouldn’t have gotten to even that point without the love of my bloggy peeps.  In the 18 months or so since that time, I have slowly moved closer to opening up in the real world.  I’ve been blogging less, but I always feel that this is a place that I can let it all hang out, that I can be who I am, and there are true friends out there who care, even when I haven’t wanted to let  anyone get too close physically.  I feel like I’m moving forward, slowly, but definitely and surely, and it’s in large part thanks to all of you.  So again, and again, and again—thank you my lovelies.

And thank you again to Anna Marie.  To sign off, Miss Famous is posing here with the pair of socks that she chose in La Famosa’s honor.  They look pretty good together, don’t you think?

For more soxy fun, head over to The Smartness, where Roxy Saucebox (you may know her as Kymberli) hangs out.

radio silence again, apparently

It feels like just last week that I put up my last post, but apparently it has been more than a month.  Yeesh.

Back before blogging, I used to journal.  (I still do, sometimes, though blogging often takes that space.)  Looking back over my old journals, I definitely had times when I wrote more often, and then months would go by and I wouldn’t write a thing.  Seems like the same thing is happening here.

I’ve wondered if I should just shut the whole thing down, because, really, who am I kidding?  I don’t really want to do that, though.  I like having this space when I need it.

Part of the not blogging so much may be because I often feel like I don’t have much new to say.  Part of the not blogging may be because if I wrote it down, I’d actually have to deal with it.

I am doing well.  I can see definite progress in myself in many ways, and in many ways I despair that progress is so slow in coming.  And I get tired of saying that over and over, so I just don’t.

Let’s make a deal:  I’ll blog when the muse strikes, I’ll try not to avoid blogging in order to avoid my feelings, and you continue to not give me a guilt trip about it (you’ve been really great about that, by the way).

Deal?

checking in

I am currently visiting a friend who is in the process of moving.  Most of the time, my only internet connection will be on my phone.  I wanted to shock everybody and post once more, just so you know I haven’t disappeared into the wild blue yonder yet again.

Miss Famous is playing happily at one of those places that they treat the dogs like children (and charge almost as much).  I have no doubt she is having a grand time with all the new friends to sniff (both human and canine).

I am hoping to be working on some post ideas, though I’ll have to work on them in my handwritten journal for now, as I don’t have the patience to put a whole post up with my phone.

Be back soon!

new post

Believe it or not, I have tried to blog.

This is probably the fourth or fifth time that I’ve opened up a “new post,” hopes flying high that my writer’s block “blogging break” could be declared officially over.

I have things to say…I think.  Getting them onto the screen feels something like pulling my heart out through my skin—pulling teeth would be much easier.

I’m not completely sure what it’s all about.  I do know that I’ve been hiding in the cave again.  I’m feeling pretty happy, but I’m hiding.  Staying safe.

Safe from what exactly, I’m not sure.  People, I guess.  People are somewhat scary to me these days.  Not the perfunctory interactions of work and small talk and family gatherings (I try not to get too deep with my family).  Opening up feels scary.  I realized not long ago that my heart is no longer as open as it once was.

And yes, I want more in my life.

And yes, sometimes I’m lonely.

But I don’t think I’ve quite reached the point where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.

So I’m hunkered down in my solitary cave, safe, warm, cuddling the dog, and pondering when and how I’ll make my way out.

But I’m healthy, I’m content (hence the not changing thing), and I am confident that I will figure things out.  Someday.

ICLW January (aka better late than never)

I am venturing back into the ICLW waters this month.  (If you’re unfamiliar with ICLW, follow the link to find an explanation.)  I return to ICLW, somewhat chastened by my own procrastination.  The last time I participated was in September and I asked readers for questions that I planned to answer that same week.  Ahem.  Well, it is now four months later, and I am finally getting around to answering your questions.

My most sincere apologies.  Here’s to forgiveness!

Jendeis asked:  What are some of your favorite foods? Along those lines, what is your favorite Jewish food?

Favorite Jewish food is pretty easy:  matzoh ball soup.  Mmmmmm, I love me some matzoh balls.

Favorite foods in general:  most rice dishes (I think I could live on rice), fried chicken (though it doesn’t always like me), the list is really too long.

Both Beautiful Mess and My Sky Times asked:  Is it ever difficult for you to separate your emotions with your job [as a social worker]?

Yes.

I’d like to answer this more fully in a post of its own, but in short, yes, sometimes I have a really hard time with the emotions that my job brings up in me.

Haidee asked:  As a newcomer to your blog I’d like to know a little more about your background and infertility journey (in brief!)

In brief, back when I was married, we struggled with my PCOS a bit, and hit a brick wall with his extremely bad sperm morphology (size and shape).  We started looking into IVF and discovered I had a fibroid that would have to be removed surgically.  While fighting with the insurance company over the surgery, Mr. X made a career decision (that he would not renew his contract the following year), so we decided to put off treatments until we had moved.  This all occurred during the spiraling down of our marriage, and we split up about a year after the IVF consultation.  The story of the breakup is not very brief (involves my taking off the blinders and realizing that he was emotionally abusive) but if you’re interested you can read more about it in the tab above  (The Great Escape).

Tarah asked:  What smell always brings you back to your childhood?
What is your favorite feature about yourself?
When did you meet your best friend?

The smell one is hard to put into words.  It’s the smell of the air outside my parents’ house, particularly in the morning.  They live a bit out in the country and the air smells very fresh there.  There are cedars and live oak trees, but I couldn’t put my finger on what the elements of the smell are.

My favorite feature about myself…it probably says a lot that this is very difficult for me to answer.  I like how I see things in a deep way, that I see the patterns beneath the surface.

When I hear the phrase “my best friend” I think of my oldest friend, whom I met in fourth grade at school.  I have a few who would probably share the status of “best” these days, though.  There’s my oldest friend, in a state far away, the Domestic Wonder Woman, who lives here in my city—we met in grad school, and “Cherry” who also lives in a state far away—she was a classmate of Mr. X.

And, well, no ICLW introduction post would be complete without a pic of Miss Famous to brighten your day.

looks like the niece was helping Miss Famous hide

two down

I think that my last post may have left some of you with the impression that I am unhappy.  I am not unhappy.  I am happier than I’ve been in years.  Despite this, and due to my getting through the last two years any way I could, my life is somewhat emptier than I want it to be.  The gist of the last post was that I am becoming aware of what I want, I am willing to look my dreams in the face and know that they have not been realized yet.  The longing that I feel now will (hopefully) spur me on to changing the things about my life that are dissatisfying.

I mentioned just now the last two years of my life.  Because of the timing of when I started this blog and the timing of the demise of my marriage, the two are inextricably linked in my mind; rather, this blog and figuring out life after the marriage ended.

It seems strange that I have been blogging for two years.  The time seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye.  On the other hand, my life looked so incredibly different when I started this blog; I lived in a different state and was married with no expectation of that changing.

This blog, and those of you who read and comment has helped me immensely to figure out what it is I’m doing here, and where it is I hope to be.  As my life changes (as I hope it will), I expect that this blog will change as well.  I, for one, am excited to see where life will take us.