Category Archives: frustrated

tweaking the formula

So, apparently the antidepressants I’m on are not really doing the trick.

Not only are they not doing the trick, but, in fact, they seem to be doing the opposite trick.

My therapist (who’s a pretty smart cookie) is pretty sure that my current symptoms (lots and lots of anxiety, difficulty concentrating, etc., etc., ad nauseum) are from the meds, and not from depression, which kind of sucks, but hopefully it’s fixable.

I’m seeing my doctor first thing in the morning.

I guess that could be why I haven’t been posting so much.  Ahem.

Hoping to be back in the saddle as soon as I can manage it.

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can I have some cheese with this?

I’ve been thinking about posting a lot, but something’s come up around these parts that is greatly affecting my ability to string coherent thoughts together (or even have coherent thoughts):  pollen.

Now, the problem with me (or one of them anyway) is that when I deal with “allergies” (i.e. allergies to the stuff floating in the air), I don’t get all snotty or sneezy or any of the regular allergic stuff most people have to tolerate at this time of year around here.  I get migraines.  Like, every day.  And I’ve been taking much more of my migraine meds than normal  This, in addition to the brain-dead-ness that the headaches bestow, adds another level of symptoms (i.e. “side effects”) and I mostly just want to crawl into a dark place and hide.  And I often consider not taking the meds, because, well, sometimes they seem worse than what I’m taking them for, but then I remember that if I don’t, the headaches will get so bad that nothing will work and I will just spend the rest of the day vomiting.  Fun.  So I take them, and curse the pollen.  And curse my head, which seems to go into migraine-mode at the first sign of anything off-kilter in the environment.

And the first night of my divorce recovery group is tonight.  I know it is a good thing, but, really?  I’d rather just stay home and be a vegetable.

Do you hear that?  I think it’s the sound of a hundred tiny violins playing…

a week ago

One week ago, today, last Thursday, was not a stellar day for me.  To start off, the entire week was under the pallor of the divorce mediation’s being scheduled on Monday.  I don’t remember the last time I shook before learning of the mediation day/time, but I got really shaky after I found that out.  Anyway.  Thursday.

Thursday morning I woke up from a disturbing Mr. X dream.  It had me all weirded out, and for some reason I got a bee in my bonnet to google him.  I know, I know, not the smartest route to take.  Still, it’s what I did.  So I googled him, whatever.  I don’t really do that very much, but I think I was feeling really out of control with the mediation coming up–we’ll talk more about that another time, then the dream, etc.  I wanted information, something to feel like I had some control.  Not that any information Dr. Google could give me would really give me any semblance of control, but still.  It’s what I did.

So I found out a thing or two, nothing earth shattering, mainly what he’s up to this high-holiday season.  Then, it occurred to me to google myself.  Not really sure why, but thank goodness I did, because my old blog, the one I just shut down, came up on the front page.

Oh, shit.

It was basically my own fault.  I wasn’t careful enough with an option I put on my blog, and so…my real name, first and last, was connected to my “anonymous blog.”

But the day didn’t end there.

My close friend, Cherry, hurt my feelings, when she responded in a way that I really would not have chosen when I tried to tell her the dream/google/blog situation.  I never even got to tell her about my blog drama that day.

I had a long conversation with my realtor, who is a lovely man, working for free, basically.  He had some bad news for me.  Details aren’t important, but the gist is, my husband is an asshole.  And his assholery (there’s that word again) is going to cost me money (again).  And it’s not encouraging to hear your realtor refer to your house as a money pit.

Then, when I got home, Miss Famous threw up her dinner, and kept throwing up, till 1 or 2 in the morning.  No idea why.  (She was better by the next day.)

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

There were some wonderful friends to talk me through the blog turnover and whose just being there made a shitty day a little less shitty:   Kristin, Mel, Kym, Wiseguy, Lavender Luz, and especially Dani.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

third time’s the charm?

These are the new blogging digs for the blog previously known as be.co.ming w.ho.le.  Word for the day week is “ARGH!”

Some privacy issues came up with the old blog, and basically, I knew I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting it all hang out, so to speak, so here we are, changing again.  If you’ve been around a while, you know I already had to change once, just a few months ago.  This is now my third blog, and hopefully last.  (Hopefully?  Pretty please?)

I’ll post something more meaningful soon, and also try to get my old posts over here, once I make them un-searchable, that is.  (Sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it?).

Argh.

[ETA: This is the first post in blog #3, the last blog (hopefully!).]