Category Archives: moving

on the one hand… but on the other hand

Mr. X has been away this week interviewing for a job.  He is currently in the city where he grew up, the city where all his family and many of his friends from high school and college live (but not friends from grad school–the ones I consider also MY friends).  Apparently the job interview went really well and it’s looking like we may be moving there.  I have a few thoughts, and more than a few feelings about this, as you can imagine.

  • On the one hand, his family is there…but on the other hand, his family is there.  ‘Nuff said, I think.
  • On the one hand, we know several people there.  Like I said above, a lot of Mr. X’s friends live there.  A few of his close friends from high school (with whom he is still close–weird, huh?) have meandered back there.  And I really happen to like them.  On the other hand, they have ALL,  count them, ALL had baby or babies.  In fact, I think I will henceforth refer to this city as Breederville, just to make it easier.  The last time I was there was a little more than a year ago and I had a minor breakdown with all the baby-love going on.  So to recap:  on the one hand we’ll have friends to hang out with, but on the other hand, they come with living breathing reminders that I’m barren, and it will be hard to escape being around them.
  • On that note, there ARE ready-made friends in Breederville, but, on the other hand they’re HIS friends.  There have been a number of times when I have felt very left out of the whole “let’s reminisce the old days” motif, which comes up a lot more than you would think.
  • On the one hand, this is one of the last places I would choose to live, regardless of the above factors, but, on the other hand, it will be really, really nice to have SOMETHING in our lives not be up in the air (i.e. the house, my job, his job, where we’ll live, IF, etc., etc.).

Sorry I’m so vague about specifics a lot of the time.  Mr. X has the kind of job where he has a public role in our community (and I do as well, by default, as his “lovely wife”).  This is one thing that we are hoping changes with the change in his job.  I am just really paranoid about being “found,” and I already feel like I have no privacy much of the time.  I’m sure at some point I’ll start being less paranoid, especially if we move to Breederville, which is a Big City, as opposed to our current place of residence, which is Definitely Not.

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In suspension.

Right now my life feels like a deck of cards that somebody tossed up in the air.  The thing is, they haven’t landed yet, they’re still hanging there, suspended.  Right now I am living in that suspended space.  It feels like almost everything is in a waiting mode-Mr. X is looking for a job*, our house goes on the market next week.  Will our house sell?  Will we have to wipe out our savings to be free of the house?  Where will we be living in six months?  What kind of job will I get?  Will we end up in the same city with all of his family?  If so, will they drive me over the edge?  Will things get better in our marriage?  Will we be able to afford IVF?  When could we start IVF?  Will I find friends?

The suspended space has a lot of questions and not many answers.

Sometimes the pressure of all the unknowns comes down so hard on me that it seems like every muscle in my body is clenched.  In those moments, all I can do is try to come back to the present and try to remind myself that all I have is this moment.  That right now those questions don’t matter–right now I just have to breathe and walk and work and live and love.  Sometimes it’s easier than others to find that space.

I’ve been reading about other bloggers’ experiences with treatments–the ever present two week wait, the waiting for the next cycle, the waiting on lab results, the waiting on phone calls, the waiting, the waiting, the waiting–it seems like a lot of us are in that suspended space.

Someday I hope to do IVF.  In my bad moments I wonder how I will ever make it through those innumerable moments of waiting and I wonder how anyone makes it.  Today it occurred to me that right now may be pretty good practice for that time–and heaven knows I need the practice, I’m a terrible wait-er.

I wonder if I can learn a new tendency–a tendency to remember that this moment is all I have, that all I have to do is breathe and walk and work and live and love.

*We live where Mr. X’s career takes us because he is in a more specialized field than I am and can also earn a lot more than I can.