1) Infertility has been the pressure that has forced to the surface all of the problems that were in the relationship already, but hiding out of sight. Once the pain of infertility came, I couldn’t do the song and dance of making X happy all the time. I couldn’t put my feelings on the back burner to take care of his stress, because I was just having too many feelings to fit on the back burner. I was having too much grief. Once I stopped playing by our unwritten rules, things kind of started falling apart. Granted, it was a kind of fucked-up way to be relating to begin with, and I had glimpses of that before IF reared it’s ugly, ugly head, but I never said I didn’t have issues. Though I am working on them.
2) X has so much hurt inside and he has so many defenses built up. He is so incredibly defended against pain that he has also defended himself against love, against my love. So he can’t hear me when I try to talk to him. Literally. I don’t want to be that defended. One thing I have learned these last few months is that numbing myself to my pain doesn’t make it go away. I’ve also learned that my feelings won’t kill me and that often dreading them is worse than actually feeling them. I know that the way I have learned to deal with my pain and my stress over the last year has changed who I am. I don’t want to be so hardened, so defended that nothing gets in or out.
Now I read these and see all the red flags. Now I read the first one and read: song and dance, take care of his stress, our unwritten rules, making X happy all the time. Now it is so obvious to me and I just ask, how could I possibly not see it before?