a bit of background

Originally published on April 15, 2009
So I’m going to continue with the theme of the last post and re-post a bit from the old blog.  This piece is really interesting to me, because, when I read it in light of my realizing that the “problems in the relationship” were emotional and verbal abuse, it reads differently than I intended it when I wrote it (as do a lot of things that I wrote in my journals, etc. that I have looked at recently).  Though it’s not a lot of background, and for those of you who read the old blog, you read this before, but it might explain things, in light of the new paradigm.  This is not the entire original post, but it is the meat of it.  The post was called “two things.”

1) Infertility has been the pressure that has forced to the surface all of the problems that were in the relationship already, but hiding out of sight. Once the pain of infertility came, I couldn’t do the song and dance of making X happy all the time. I couldn’t put my feelings on the back burner to take care of his stress, because I was just having too many feelings to fit on the back burner. I was having too much grief. Once I stopped playing by our unwritten rules, things kind of started falling apart. Granted, it was a kind of fucked-up way to be relating to begin with, and I had glimpses of that before IF reared it’s ugly, ugly head, but I never said I didn’t have issues. Though I am working on them.

2) X has so much hurt inside and he has so many defenses built up. He is so incredibly defended against pain that he has also defended himself against love, against my love. So he can’t hear me when I try to talk to him. Literally. I don’t want to be that defended. One thing I have learned these last few months is that numbing myself to my pain doesn’t make it go away. I’ve also learned that my feelings won’t kill me and that often dreading them is worse than actually feeling them. I know that the way I have learned to deal with my pain and my stress over the last year has changed who I am. I don’t want to be so hardened, so defended that nothing gets in or out.

Now I read these and see all the red flags.  Now I read the first one and read: song and dance, take care of his stress, our unwritten rules, making X happy all the time.  Now it is so obvious to me and I just ask, how could I possibly not see it before?


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